Letting go.

Letting go is the right thing to do right?

But why do i find it so hard to let go of certain events that has happened?

Maybe its just not in my DNA to do so.

When people ask me to stop reading between the lines.. I still do.

You cant blame me right?

I been trying to forgive people after all the crap they done to hurt me though.

But some things are really hard to forgive.

Call me ruthless but maybe thats what i am.

Kinda sucks to be me though.

I wont forget all the bad things people do to me.

Trust me.

Its really hard.

Every single waking day, i always tell myself..

Its time to forgive.

But that concensus never came.

Sorry not sorry. 

Its not me. i know.

Staying at home for a total of two months thanks to your maternity will make someone go bonkers.
It did for me though.
Even though its a period of recuperating and taking care of the newborn.. i miss the outside world.
But keeping it all aside, there are many events that happen during that time i was on HL and ML.
There were two pregnancies going on due in January and she wasn't so lucky.
Thanks to her deteriorating health which cause some complication for her own baby.
Emergency c-sect i heard.

Some people are just too full of themselves.
Saying says that before you correct other people, mirror yourself first.
Per say, i was heavily pregnant back then when some stressful events happen.
It made me think whether i'm actually her kins though.
Heartbreaking i must say.
You know some wounds cannot be healed with time, but for me it takes a lot for that wound to heal.
Trust need to be earned actually and care and concern need to be shown to prove that point.

I have it rough before Aaliyah came.
When i found out i have her, a lot of nagging from my parents.
People call it care and concern but its only spur of the moment.
Out of the 9 months, there is no one offering me a lift to my gynae, no one giving a care about how she is doing and how I'm coping.
Working shift doesn't help though.

It funny how some people have a special access to this kind of things.
It is showcasing a lot of biasness in the family here.
Let me remind some people of something.
You have your own family and you chose not to let them know anything about your pregnancy.
Thats your problem.
But one thing i don't understand till now is.. you lost two.
You keep trying for another one.
What are you trying to prove?

You have the privileges.
Car rides.
Companion of my mother.
Even my mother do a lot of stuff for you.
You forget my mother is growing old?
Or you only remember your mother is only the one getting old?

Your family is halfway around the world.
I know that.
But the funny thing is .. i cant believe you made my mother travel half the world for you to take care of you.
You caused your own condition.
You should be thankful.. god didn't take your baby away from you due to your negligence.
Enough about you.

Lets talk about me.

You took away the only woman that can help me feel better.
This pregnancy was a war zone for me.
I suffered and no one understood to pain.
You can't be expecting dicks to understand the pregnancy of  a woman right?
One thing that i cant stand is.. you have your own mother.
Why cant you at least give in to me?
You cant be expecting my dad and my brothers to help me right?
Fucking kidding me.
Seriously.

I don't have proper food.
You did.
My husband is working shift.
You have all the loyalty treatment with my mother.
Dont get me wrong.
Im not jealous of your sorry state.
Im sorry cause your baby have to go through this agonising pain you are causing her.

I don't mind if i don't have the love and affection from my parents.
My baby won't mind either.
If you are so hard up for these.. please do the honours.
Im not pissed.
Im just disappointed.
My mother chose you over her own daughter.
You should be glad she chose you.

When people asked me where is my mother.
I actually told them that i do not have one.
She chose an outsider over me .
She is not fit to be my mother.
If my mother loved me, she would have stayed behind for me.
She didn't.
She went three fucking months for you .
Even when i gave birth, she isn't there.
You should be fucking glad i must say.
CAUSE I FINALLY KNOW WHERE I STAND.

I'M JUST GONNA TELL YOU THIS.
I'M NOT HARD UP FOR THE LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR ME AND MY KID FROM THEM.
YOU CAN HAVE IT.
I LOST RESPECT FOR YOU AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE.

#January142016

#2016
New start of the month and welcoming the new year.
As for me.. its the month where i welcome the love of my life after 9 months of waiting.
Im scared and excited at the same time though.
I still have two more meets with the doctor before i have the chance to meet her.
EDD was supposed to be 27012016.
But there we some worrying signs that worries my doc though.
Her weight dropped and its not in the healthy range.
I was offered with two options though.
One.. wait for the weight to be back to normal which equates to my EDD.. or induce it.
I didn't want to jeopadize my baby and i chose the second option.

Only god knows what i'm truly feeling inside though.
But my husband respected my wishes.
It was a fast and slow process depends on how you see it.
Its a day and experience i won't forget.
Imagine me weeping when the process of contractions are happening and my threshold of pain goes to ground zero.

It took me a good 1 hour to bear the contractions.
At that point of time.. i wish god save me.
My friends gave me alot of advice though.
Think of Allah always.
He will be there for you and always pray to him to make my journey a smooth one.

1253pm.
My princess is born.
Aaliyah Arman Khoo.
Our bundle of joy and the little mini me who always bugs me for burgers.
Thank Allah for this.
Alhamdulilah.
Level up though.. Status as a parent.
A proud one.
Always.

Mama loves you.
Now.
Always .
Forever.

My Aaliyah Arman Khoo.

Since #2015

One year has passed.
1.11.2014 is a day that i will always remember.
Wow.
It been a long journey i must say to reach this far, after the fact that my then fiance has now officially became my husband.
I made a vow to him and to god that.. in sickness and in health that i will always be there for him and care for him wholeheartedly.

Its been a really roller coaster ride for me ever since i stepped into this new chapter in my life.
I wasn't expecting life to be a bed of roses though.
I expected more interesting things to come for me.
January- April i been travelling though.

Bangkok <second honeymoon> Phillipines>>> Bali>>> KL and after that im intending to have a fulfilling trip to Japan Tokyo.
That if everything are going well for the year.
Did i mention when i got married.. i was actually secretly hoping that something really sweet is going to happen.?
Enjoying all the trip thus far though.

Every typical married woman.. would wish that that they will soon build a family with the man that she loves.
Likewise.. i also dream that my wish comes true.
If i told you i been disappointed many times .. that fact is true.

Sometimes when its going to be the time of the month, i wish that it will never come and it means that there will be a mini me and mini him in the making.
He lost his family because of me and i honestly i felt guilty because of it.
He doesn't blame me when he chose me above his family but i know i felt bad about it.

Our religion, there is no turning back once you are in.
But he chose me.
I'm thankful for that.
Both of us have been trying very very hard the past months but we yield no results.
It causes me to have some minor depression and i remembered my old diagnosis that i might be a contributing factor that i might not have any offspring even how hard i try.
I told my husband about it and i know inside his head.. he wants to prove the theory wrong .

April came.
I started planning our next trip.. which is Tokyo.
Been wanting to go there really badly.
Shopping.. authentic sushi and more shopping.
Most importantly.. i can go there so see some authentic Japanese stuff.
Hot spring. The sakura flowers.
We both have been working too hard for this three months and we deserve another trip on our own this coming May.
Been researching.
Planning.
Dreaming about the things i can buy from that place.

Early May came and i was actually kinda of late of not getting my period.
Ahhh. maybe im just too stressed out that it messes around with my cycle.
MAYBE.
Got a high Fever.heavy head and frequent migraine now.
Couldn't concentrate much at work as i was feeling terrible.

It been going on for days.
Then puking come along.
I have my suspicions.. but i told myself it can't be.
I'm sure of it.
So i tested myself.. not once but twice!
Just to be  damn sure.
It was +ve.
Still not believing this though.

I finally when to a gynae to check the status.
It turned out the same result.
You have no idea how happy we both were.
It turns out that its already 7 weeks when i checked.

June.
July.
August.
September.
October.

November.
Marks our one year in #2015.
But it been a very tough couple of months for me though.
Trying to cope with the growing mini me in me.
I have to conquer the backache.. nausea.. not much of a food craving though.
But old habits die hard right?
Sometimes.. i dont really have the appetite to eat at all but this little me wants to eat so i have to satisfy her cravings instead.
Checkup has been good so far though.

Just that my iron levels are dropping .
Doc is worried it might affect the baby.
I took the easy way out though.
I got two injections instead
Its painful i swear but i know i have  to salvage the situation somehow.
Not for me but for baobao.

December.
Approximately one more month before #AAK.
That sums up my #2015
#2016.
New start.
New Chapter.
New status.
#AAK

FINALLY.

Life has been good as a married woman.
Waking up to the love of your life every single day and rolling to the side and kissing his forehead.
I'm really happy as it is now.
There are some things i want to do with my other half.
Travelling the globe.
Eating as much as you can.
Going to concerts .
*hint hint*
Yellowcard is coming on 10 December and hubs bought a pair of tickets for the both of us!
I'm in love with Yellowcard for the longest time now and i am glad that my other half likes him as much as i do.

HONESTLY.
I have never found someone who would do everything with me without complaining.
Going the distance with me.
Eating until we fart as much as each other.
Playing nano blocks and building things together.
Our new addiction, it been many many years actually, it is playing the pokemon game on our console.
It used to be us playing alone, but now it is different, surprising him with a new console solely for him and for myself, i know its worth it.
We spend more quality time together.
Thats what matters right?

Its so hard to have someone who has so  many common interest with you.
And i am glad that i have found someone who is hopelessly in love with me as much as i am hopelessly in love with him.
And willing to do all the impossible things with me.

Only Allah knows how much this person mean to me.
He is nothing special.
He is my husband.
My world.

Allah make me realise that you can meet other people and forge alot of memories with them.
But some are only left to be kept for memories.
Some dont even make it to the future.

As for this man, who i gave his muslim name.
I gave him hope and a new beginning .
I repaired what is damaged and make him believe that if no one loves him and ever cared about him, there is someone who is there to love him wholeheartedly.

I believed that on the day i chose and agreed to be his lawful wife,
I promised to keep my heart vacant only for him.
Walk the distance , go through all the storms like how we used to all before we became this far.
We are like Bonnie and Clyde.
They promised that they stuck with each other thru thick and thin.
No matter how bad the situation is.

You are no one special to just any one.
YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO I WOULD WANT WAKE UP TO AND START A FAMILY WITH.
You are my home.
Its with you where my heart really belongs.
I love you so so much Muhammad Arman.

October already started.

Its like 2am in the morning i am wide awake.
i cant seem to fall asleep and im wondering why.
Maybe there is alot of things in my mind that i dont know about.
Okay that's a lie.
I know my head too well, it been thinking about things and it dont seem to want to rest.
Please rest.

Hectic October i have.
Exams.
Preparing for exams.
Preparing for my wedding.
What else?
Yeah going to do my room and oh god.
Please help me.

Honestly, there are so many things to do but so little time.
I'm feeling hectic but at the same time i am damn excited.
I cant wait to be Mrs Arman Khoo.
Ya Allah.
Lancarkan semua urusan pernikahan ku dan sanding.
Panjangkan lah hidup mak bapak ku yang banyak berkorban.
Ya Allah yang maha Esa dan penyayang.
Berkatilah urusan ku ini ya Allah.


For school wise, i need to clear this semester.
Please Atiqah, you can do this.
Ah lao is there to support you i am sure.
Im hoping for a good life.
For Arman and me.
There is no one we can depend on, except Allah.
He knows us best, and i know he be there to give us a helping hand.
Insyaallah.